Just ridiculous

I had a Dr's appointment the other day. I am just so tired of all the pain I am in and feeling exhausted and sore all the time. I had a million blood tests. They all came back normal. My Dr did recommend gastric bypass surgery. I don't know. I think for myself, it would be not a solution. I have such an emotional addictive relationship with food that I am sure I would replace the addiction with something else. So I am thinking what do people do with addictions to get better. Maybe I should try overeaters annonomyous? Anyone ever try that? I have to do something. I just feel totally overwhelmed with everything in my life and food is my only comfort. I really need to figure out a way to deal with my feelings other than comforting them with rice pudding or a cookie. I actually told my husband outloud what food meant to me. Our life has been so tumultous for the last 6 years. He and I have been out together less than 5 times in 6 years. He works 6 or 7 days a week. til 10 or 11 at night. I have three kids all with special needs, and no supprot. I am the one and only caregiver. We are always struggling for money. Food is the only thing I have had to turn to. I'm not sure where to start. I just want to be healthy, be a good role model and learn better coping mechanisms.

Diet Coke

My one vice in life is Diet Coke. I don't drink Coffee, I don't smoke, I don't drink, I don't do drugs.. I do Diet coke. I am totally an addict. Last year I gave it up for 8 months and the craving for it never went away and so I started again. I gave it up 21 days ago and waa laa.. Last night I said.. Why am I doing this? I hate putting all those chemicals into my body. I don't know ... should I give up or keep drinking it?

Change

Not going to say anything like usual story over and over. Just going to say I am committed to change. I am going to change one thing every week in my diet and one thing every week in my excercize. I hate the extra stuff I am carrying around. I want my body to match who I am inside. I do not want to die, to kill myself with fat. So here's to a great day on track and many more to follow..

I am bound and determined to stay FAT forever!

Just kidding. Was trying some reverse psychology to see if that might help. Things are so very stressful finically here at the moment. and what do I want to do to comfort myself? EAT!!! EAT!! Eating will make it all go away...
Come on jackass I say to myself.. eating has got you nowhere except really fuckin fat.

Starting a weight loss program at the gym on Nove 1st. I am hoping that it will kick me into gear .. I have lost 4.6lbs so far so as long as the movement isin the right direction!

Holding myself to it!

It's midnight but I said I was gonna post and so I am onto it! I had a very good day. Thank goodness. I stepped on the scales and I was down three pounds from a week ago. Moving in the right direction, but also know I fluctuate. It will be a more of a test of my clothes and my body. I know my boobs will go first. ;)
I ate well today. I found popcorn balls for the first time. Yummy. 100 cals, 1 gr fat and 2 gr fiber. They were delish! I tried to keep my fiber up high as I did yesterday and couldn't believe how full I felt all day. That will be key for me. If I feel like I am going to pop it will be hard to fit in anything else ;)
Must get to bed. didn't get any extra excersize in but did lots of leaf raking and yard clean up this afternoon so I'm counting that!
Hope tommorow is a GREAT one.
As long as I don't have to think about the economy and how much I despise politicians I might be alright!!

Holy freking chicken shit!

Well, I guess I found the motivation I was searching for.I am in real need of a pair of jeans, so Sunday I went to the fat girl's shoppe and had a look. I tried on like 7 different pants and tops. OMIGOD!!!!
I AM ENORMOUS!!!!!!

I don't know why I am the last two know ha. I guess it could be the fact that I have avoided any mirrors for 4 years. I mean I knew I was overweight, but I think in my mind I was 220lbs not all 265 pounds stuffed round my middle. I look like a weeble or tweedle dum. skinny, legs big fat enourmous middle.
Totally woke up. FINALLY.
I have been fairly reasonable eating the last few days. But today I pulled out all of my WW at home stuff and today have been a trooper. I must say that I prefer food to cardboard but I also know that I have to start somewhere and unfortunately, it is not as easy as a snap of the finger. So let's HOPE that I can stick to this. I want to. I need to. I just have to keep remembering why I will do it.

On Sunday, I bought the Hungry Girl book. I made two of the recipies, they were umm ok. I guess I expected them to be as good as the real thing but not so much.

I am going to stick to three things this week.
1.30 minutes of additional excersize a day (over what I already do)
2. food journal EVERYTHING
3. keep updated here


Must get girls to dancing class..

Doing better but not quite there

I wonder if I keep telling myself I want to do this, that finally some trigger will go of that alerts my brain that I want to be healthy. I
don't know why this is such a challenge. I know what has to be done, I know how to do it. I do fairly well to a certain point of the day and I just am over it.I have actually lost 3lbs this past week, so I have started to eat alot less and I have exercised three times this week. I'm taking baby steps I guess and it doesn't feel so real? Maybe that's it. Anyway, I'll keep trying.
I MUST start journaling. I always am surprised by what I eat when I am not paying attention. I MUST do some planning as well. It makes it so much easier to know so it's less about what tastes like it will fill a craving and what you eat to nourish your body. That's it really , for me. Stop eating for comfort, soothing and emotion.. eat to nourish...
I do love Hungry Girls recipes and may run out and get her new book. I made a couple of her recipes and it just might work for me and my eating for my emotions problem!!

So to round things up. nothing new. Still struggling. But want to be healthy, live longer and be a good role model for my kids. I need to stop being all or nothing. every little piece helps!