Deep

This is such a mission. I don't know why I think this will be easy. I mean hey if it was going to be easy, wouldn't I have already lost the weight? If it was easy to stay thin, wouldn't I have not gained weight? It is such a simple plan, eat less + excersize = weight loss. Why are there so many other things attached to it. And how do you change them. I would say that the answers would be different for anyone who struggles with thier weight. It's all about finding what works for you.
I have struggled for three days now to get my momentum back. I need to get my mind flowing. I realized now that one thing that helps me is to surround myself with stories, magazines, blogs,... whatever it might be, of stories of weightloss. People who have done it, people who are doing it, I guess it reminds me that it's not easy, that some days are good, some days are bad. You pick yourself up and dust yourself off and them move on.
I know that I need support to lose weight. I have been to WW several times. I don't know why but I never really enjoyed the meetings, maybe I didn't have a motivated leader, I'm not sure. But I do like blogging. It is nice to have somewhere to go to write it down. To be annonymous. Even though I have pictures up and have written down my weight, I still feel safe and unknown, but supported. Which is silly really because everyone can SEE me, everyone can see that I am OBESE. I've told people what I weigh. I truly wonder how my thought process works sometimes.
I am so random today yet in my mind it all seems to fit together somehow. Sometimes my exhaustion leaves me scatterbrained, but I am the last one to know. hehe
I wanted to write down a few questions and their answers. To help me.
Why do I want to lose weight?
Wow. I have a lot reasons more than I thought. The first is to be healthy. I got eclampsia (pregnancy induced hypertension) with my son, 9 years ago. The hypertension hasn't left. Two more pregnancies have only made it worse. I am on medication for high blood pressure.I am 33 years old My father had two heart attacks, his first one at 40. I don't want to have a heart attack. I think it is my biggest fear. I don't want to die and not be there for my kids. I want to watch them grow up, to see what they become.
To go along with that, I want to have the energy to give to my family, To be the best mom I can be, to give them the best life I am able. To play and run and skip and climb with my kids. To eat healthy with them, to be a good role model. It's so funny because I ALWAYS try to do what is best for my children, yet I don't take care of myself. Really thats the most important thing for them to learn. How I act, what I do, how I live. I mean, Thats is how they learn. Watching, Right now it's not like I sit around eating bon bons (though ny husband is pretty sure that at least a portion of my day consits of that ;-) I normally run around all day, and don't sit until 9pm. but I eat standing up, shoveling stuff in my mouth. I don't excersize. I make poor food choices. I eat emotionally all the time. But lately I am forcing myself to sit during the girls nap time and blog. I really believe that it is making me give some thought to my weight problems. To help me work on the emotional side of my eating. This time of day, it helps me to plan and get motivated. I look forward to it.
Another reason (a very superficial one at that) is that I don't want my kids to be made fun of because I am fat. I don't want them to have to defend me or feel bad because of this. I mean , if I wear a bright yellow hat with big pink feathers thats different. Kids can tease the crap out of them ;-) but I can take that hat off. I can't hide being fat.
Another reason is that I want my husband to look at me and think "Wow thats my wife." He is 185lbs, gorgeous body, and very nice on the eyes. I often think that people look at us and think, "shit, how did she get him.?" ( I happen to be a very loving person and really good at certain extra curricular activities .. hehe but thats not the point here!)
Most of all I just want to feel good. To feel like I don't want to hide. To not feel embarrassed. To not run through my head all of the things that I imagine people are saying about me. I want to feel proud. I want people to see the me I am inside. I want to stop wearing god awful clothes and to shop in the regular part of the store. I want to wear shrugs and camis and tank tops with track pants while I excersize. I want to run on the side of the road and feel the exhiliration of all my efforts and energy and strength.I don't want to carry this burden anymore. I don't want to carry my fears in my body, I want to stop hiding myself with fat.
I want to be healthy, that is the number one reason, please let it give me stregnth.