Emotional Realization

This weekend has been good. Saturday, I took Chloe and Livy to the zoo. They had a blast. They walked most of the way. Even Livy who is 13 months old held her own. I never excersized but at least I didn't sit around and eat bon bons as I usually do. ;-)

WARNING: RANT but explains how I came to my light bulb moment!

Sunday has been typical. My hubby slept in. I was up with the crows aka chlo and liv ;-) Craig had a long leisurely shower. I was pulling my hair out as I wanted to get the girls out before they needed a nap.We got in the car and before we got anywhere they were sleeping. So we spent an hour bickering about what to do next. We decided to go out to eat. It was an hour later so we woke the girls up. Wrong move!! WE sat down and both girls were NOT in the mood to be there. I was wrangling the whole time. It wasn't fun. Craig ate his meal, I had mine wrapped to go, even tho I was starving. We took the girls outside for two hours. Craig fell asleep on the bench. (I who rack up 3 hours a nite, him who gets 8-10hrs everynight hmmm) So at this point I was a little frustrated with DH. We then came into the house where he proceeded to lie down and nap for 2 and a half hours. Ohhhhhhhhhh my lorddddddddddddddddd. This is a healthy man who sleeps through every night on a regular basis. WTF. I live in a permanant state of exhaustion. I am flippin mad at this point. I need to go to the grocery store so I get him up and leave...

I just wanted to give some kind of idea what my mind is like at this point of my day. And this is how it goes pretty much EVERY Sunday. (Craig works Mon- FRI. 7-4, them hangs out til 8, 9 10 pm at his friends shop working on his truck or learning welding or whatever hobby he is into at that moment . Sat. 7-1 then hangs out til 6 7 8 9 pm. Depends on the Saturday. Sunday is his only day home)

Every Sunday, I go to the grocery store. It is my ONLY time alone, away from my children. I am usually gone for 1.5 hours. I always buy healthy foods, tonnes of fruits and veggies. And then for the last year (bar the last four weeks) I would pick up something from the bakery. Brownie sundaes, cream puffs. whatever. The drive is about 7 minutes home. I would shovel whatever it was in my mouth pretty much as fast as I could. Because I didn't want anyone to know and because I didn't want to have to share with anyone.

Tonight, I did it again. After 4 weeks of not doing it. I bought a four pack of Chocolate Iced Creme Puffs. I shoveled them in as fast as I could. And on the third one, I stopped and thought.

"Why Am I Doing This?"

It didn't even taste good. After the first one I didn't even care anymore, I just didn't want to waste them or have anyone know I ate them. Why was I doing this????

And then I realized.

It is because I felt so put upon, so wronged, so angry that no one looks out for me that I DESERVED it. I deserved a treat. I deserved to get something for myself because no one else does.

HOLY SHIT.

Where did this come from.

And then I realized. This is why I eat. When I feel sorry for myself. Sorry That I don't sleep, that I don't have any time to myself, that someone did me wrong.

I have been doing this since I was 11 years old.


WOW.

Thats all I can write for now but I think that this may be a turning point in my entire life, thinking , living. It is THAT BIG.

Though it may not seem like it in a few written words. Because really this is only a blog and I can't really type that well or fast (tho I am getting better) and I don't understand how spell check works on blogger.. so... hehehe

I feel like spinning around!!

Have a happy dayyyyyyyyyyyyy

PS weigh in tommorw, I think my loss his week is 4 lbs down to 266. but we will see how I fair after the whole creme puff incident!!!

PPS.After reading this I just want to say that I love my kids deeply and my hubby is really a good guy who I love so much. We are just in a cycle of who can out do who and hopefully I will be able to break it now that I realized all of this. ????!!!???!!!!!
Alright I am not even making sense to myself anymore.
I am off to bed
Good night!!