Lonely

After my March 1st post, I have been thinking more about my emotional realizations. For most of my life, I think I have been lonely. When I was a child, I had two parents and two sisters. I am 5/6 years older than my sisters. They are only 13 months apart. It was always my mum and dad and them my two sisters, paired off. I was always the one left in the middle, without a partner or a pair. During early school having friends was not a problem. I played and was invited over to peoples houses. I don't remeber it being anything sad. That didn't come til 12/13 years old(read about it in March 1st post) Then I went to college. It was the first time I really had a great time and made awesome friends. I joined a sorority and for the first time in my life, I felt good about myself and worthy of friendship. In the summer of my second year, I worked at a camp for underpriveleged kids. I went back again the summer of year 3. And I never went back to school again, til a few years ago. I have lived here, by myself, 7 hours away from any family. My first year of college, my father had a heart attack. I was away and my whole family changed, they had to. I went back on vacations, but I felt my mum blamed me for my dad's heart attack. (going away to school, finicially by paying for school) She was angry with me, so I didn't want to go back. I really did well for the first two years. Then I had Daniel with a man who was abusive and destructive and an alcoholic coke addict. When Daniel was 23 months Old I left him. I was alone again, but I had my little boy.
SO my point is during all this time and even now, I always FEEL lonely. I think that what the feeling is. I don't know. I don't mind being bymyself. I have tested my poor husband more than you can imagine. I've tried pushing him away and I am always so afraid he will leave. And if he wasn't a stubborn, never quitting kiwi, I would say he probably would have left by now. I wonder what I am so afraid of. I don't know. I know that I put this weight on due to whatever this is I am masking, not feeling. I numb myself with food. I protect myself with food. I nurture myself with food. I have used food as my friend, the only friend who never leaves me. (I do have friends, but I would probably never let them know the REAL me, wow, isn't that sad) Why do I feel so unworthy.
I rarely left people see the real me. I try not to complain, I try to always have a smile. During my depressions, when people have found out, they usually say "wow she always has a smile on her face, I never would have guessed.) I always put myself out to help other people, to be kind to other people, to do the extra umph that I would love to recieve. And yet, I don't have one single friend who would give me back that much.
Being home with two little ones under 2 last year, I tried really hard to make some new friends. One girl who was an old friend of a friend with whom our lives drifted . She lives 5 minutes from me. She has a little girl who is Chloes age and a little boy who was born the same month as Livy. Perfect match. Well, I called, went to her house, made an effort. She called me on her birthday. She was down because her husband was working a 24 hour shift and she didn't know what she would do for her birthday. Later that night, I stopped at the florist and picked up a flower and brought it to her house. She was having dinner with someone. I just said happy birthday and hugged her and left. She hasn't ever called me again. It was my birthday two months later (this is someone with whom I celebrated many previous bdays with) it came and went and she didn't call. NOW I DID not do that for her to reciprocate. I KNEW at the time she wouldn't. BUt I am just trying to describe how I get hurt and why I eat.
Maybe I do these things, knowing that I will be disappointed by someone thus giving me a reason to feel sorry for myself and eat. Maybe I am setting up myself for hurt and disappointment and lonliness.
I don't think I am, as I really do try to do things to other people, that I would want done to me. It is one thing I feel very strongly about. I am extremely to a fault, empathetic.
Oh I really don't know. hmmmm

I know that this ia all over the place and might not make much sense. I just really want to get to the bottom of my eating issues because I wnat to be healthy, emotionally and phsyically. It all plays together for me.

I want someday to be able to eat for fuel. Thats it.

;-)