Push or Listen? and BIG emotional stuff

Today's workout was hard going. I just didn't have it in me like I usually do. I still did my 35 minutes on the treadmill and also took the girls to the very COLD beach. We have been inside for 4 days due to the uchy cold. -4farenheit . Today they wouldn't nap so I had lost all patience and said right, thats it, stuffed them into thier snowsuits, bundled them in blankets and set out for it. Then I started walking and my lower back ached, like was in a ball and ached. When I walk outside my lower back hurts like that. But it doesn't do it on the treadmill, weird ey? Anyway, after 20 minutes, I decided to let them out and walk around the little beach. We stayed for 35 minutes walking around jumping, being silly. Wore those little monkeys down!! They got home and are having a sleep. (thank goodness!!)
Thats when I did my treadmill.

SO, I have a question, (if anyone actually reads this?) when you are doing a workout and you feel not into it. DO you push yourself like you normally would or do you listen to your body and do what you can. This happens maybe once a week. Usually I PUSH PUSH PUSH. But today I just went up and down on my mph. Like I did 4.8mph then I went up to 5.6mph theen to 5mph. I jumped all over the place. I was definately sweating, but I usually do 3.2 miles in a half an hour and today I only did 2.8 miles. So, should I push myself or do as my body tells me?
Just as a note: Normally I lovemy walks and go over 5-10 minutes, and it's hard but it's good. Do I make any sense? ;-)

Eating:
YEah right.

It seems with me either my eating is really great (stay within my points, eat good for me things, no slip ups) or my excersize is really great(excersize daily without fail.) This week, I have eaten prigles and a half of a choc bar. I have also been really really down, so I am sure that it is all emotionally connected! I really need to learn how to break that unhealthy cycle. I really really don't want my kids to have it. I know I learned it when I was a kid.
I think I am going to write about how it all started.

I was in 7th grade, I was 12/13 years old. I was like 5'6'' and 160lbs and I was chubby.(I would LOVE to weigh that now!!) There were two girls Krista and Wendy and they pretended to be my friend one day and the next day, they would make say I was scum. In order to eat lunch with them had to take their lunch trays up, I would take up 4 or 5 lunch trays and people would think I ate 4 or 5 lunches. It sucked. Then they would say that I had to buy them ice creams or I would have to sit somewhere else. I didn't realize at that time that I should have just sat by myself than be treated like that. One time, they took my purse while I was at the teachers desk and everyone in class took something and passed it on. I had my monthly and boys were holding my pads and laughing. Oh how humliating. That was pretty much how everday was for two years of my life. I cried everday going to school, bless my mothers heart. She hurt as much as I did. But she couldn't help me, other than tell me what a wonderful, beautiful person I was and that I was loved by family.
SO, everday I would come home at 3pm to an empty house. I would watch General Hospital and eat whatever I could find. chips and dip. Ice cream sundaes. Food was my BEST and ONLY friend.
Fortunately, in 9th grade I found three true friends so school was better. But I had already developed a pattern that I still have today.
I have always protected myself from hurt by being fat. I thought if I was fat then, I wasn't worthy of someones love and respect. ANd if no one was around me then no one could hurt or disappoint me. I an a complete giver. I give everything I have and most people take advantage and don't ever reciprocate, and then when I look for something back from them, they think I am too demanding and needy and they tell me to go away. Very rarely do I ask for help, so when I do, I really really need it. To always be pushed away when you need someone makes you think that something is wrong with you.
But you know what. THERE is NOTHING WRONG with me. Maybe I should have asked for things in the begining of the friendship/relationship. So that three, four, five years into it, when I do need help people won't be so thoughtless and leave, when I really need someone's help.
WOW. It's amazing how much I just realised, from writing all of that.

I guess I had a lot to say!! LOL!

I am going to mull this over because I think that I just uncovered some deep stuff about me and my eating behaviors.

This blog stuff, even if it doesn't get read by other people, has helped me more than the two counselors I went to to help me with my eating . ;-)

Anyway, I am off, have a happy day!
;-)